by Julie Grabel
aka "The Skeleton"

The Fall Tour/Toor 2002 has been an education, a gift, an experiment, a life-altering odyssey to find my own way home, to play out the image that appeared in mind for me when I thought about the dancing and how it might be seen more clearly if presented as a skeleton. Where do ideas come from? Was it mine? I asked the question: What would help other people see and understand the way I dance? Answer: dress as a skeleton.

It took about three months to make the costume that came out looking exactly like the image I had (thanks to my daughter) and the skeleton first came out of the closet on October 30, 2002 for the Cubensis Halloween show. Also wore it to String Cheese on 10.31 and then four other times with Cubensis during which I received enough smiles and encouragement to believe that I wouldn’t be blocked from wearing it on tour, that it was worth the effort to plan how to get in costume at the shows. Security always checked me out very well but didn’t interfere as long as I was ticketed and in my seat! Amazing to be in so many arenas with so many people. GDTS-TOO gave me various seat locations – some very good, some good. The effort put forth by that organization is precious to this community and worth our support.

Was the music excellent? Sometimes. I would say that the Other Ones as constituted reached about 90 percent consistently and they maintained a professional presentation – the work involved in getting from show to show must have been complex and powerful and Mickey Hart’s trip log is a great source of more information about that – what a production. What a phenomena – especially in Oakland after homecoming jitters left the place after the first day’s sound snafu.

Robert Hunter is the community bard and he is brilliant and bright and isn’t as shy as a performer as I bet he is in daily life…. He is engaging and curious and full of wonder. I am so glad that the sound for his performance was improved after the first few cities… The sound crew really got it right for him and for us!! His music is very danceable even though not many do. Thanks.

I wonder if I will dress as the skeleton for new years?

On the way home from Oakland I read an article in Parabola called "Can War be Stopped?" by David Appelbaum and the article describes a state of mind which, if maintained, can prevent war. But in order to maintain it, we must drop our claim to knowing that which cannot be known and live in a space of not knowing. I would say that the Other Ones music has contributed greatly to a cultivation of that state of mind – that which transcends time and space and is described as the moment or eternity.

Now, this same person who can think like that, turns into a fumbling fan at the sight of Rob Barraco. Go figure.

The skeleton idea has had me and continues to develop as each phase, each step is taken. I don’t know what happens next except for dry cleaning the costume. And I don’t know what to make of it but I can say a lot about the gratitude I feel at being successful at completing the tour – going to all seventeen shows in costume, for the friendships, for the music, for all the smiles that greeted me all along the way. Of course it wasn’t easy! Of course I made it harder than it had to be! BUT, the warmth, generosity and love of the people I met (and re-met) along the way is priceless and of course words cannot tell how much it means to me that so many people are kind. I know that several people were faced with challenges that came about while I was around and we dealt with whatever came up as beautifully as possible and I certainly wish that all the conflicts which arose are working themselves into their resolution with the proper reflection and learning. I am writing this journal in order to continue the process and bring some closure to the set of experiences which some of us call Fall Toor. If anyone who met me along the way would like to continue the dialogue, you know how to reach me. But for most of us, the focus is the show – getting to the next show. Will there be a festival where we can all gather again? Who will come through southern California needing floor space or a ride? The adventure brings us together and the music is the glue.

Can I stop wearing the costume when they still haven’t played Women are Smarter or Corrina!! They played over a hundred songs on tour (someone must know exactly by now) and left those two out! An accident? Are they Bobby songs reserved for Ratdog? Mystery. How can the skeleton be retired without dancing those songs? It leaves me with an unfinished sense and that means it’s not over. Hmmmmmmm….

Tour is not for sissies but there are some good rules to tour by:

• Don’t post provocative messages on DNC looking for floor space.
• IF you are at the venue and it’s 3 hours or less until showtime, STAY PUT! DO NOT go further than a few blocks away! DO NOT take public transportation to your friend’s house thinking that it will be easy to drop off your luggage and return to the venue….. and that goes double if you are in Boston!!
• IF you assume your ride knows the way to the show, DON’T!!! Print out all venue addresses and directions in advance if you can.
• IF you get an opportunity to use the toilet, DO IT!
• IF you get an opportunity to charge your cellphone (the most important article after tickets to the shows), DO IT!
• Ticket checks are standard procedure ANYTIME anyone calls it.
• IF you think you’ll have a lot of time to read and write while on tour, FORGET IT! Tour is all there is on tour! You are either thinking about how to get to the next city or you are driving or flying to the next city or you are finding a way to fit in at least one meal during the day that won’t conflict with getting to the venue at least an hour before showtime, or you are repacking your bags so security will let you in, or you're waiting to get into the show or you are actually at the wonderful show dancing! OR, you are getting out of the show, finding your ride and getting to wherever is best for getting up and out of there in the morning so you can go to the next show…. OR you are on your cellphone getting directions or finding out where to meet! OK, so there is a bit of time to schmooze - precious times!
• As you are leaving ANYWHERE, put your mind into a state of surveying your belongings BEFORE you leave – it just takes a few moments, but it can save you losing your stuff!! I learned on the first day that surveying would bring the lost item to mind – almost lost my wallet even before leaving home. And a new friend from tour would add that IF you think of moving your wallet to the safe place in your pants pocket, DO IT!
• IF you get the chance to rest at a friend’s house on a day off from a show, TAKE IT!! You will be tempted to go to Bob Dylan playing nearby on the day off or Jimmy Herring showing up at a local bar with the Derek Truck’s band but you WILL BE grateful for the rest you got which keeps you in good shape for the rest of the tour!
• IF you are a taper or a skeleton, you want to be at the show EARLY!! So when you make a plan to leave in plenty of time, DO IT!!
• Cellphone definitely wins: Most important device to take on tour…
  But make sure you have coverage in the areas you will visit and remember to take your charger!!
• Hotels or staying with new friends? This is not as easy to answer as one might think it’s always best to stay with people to save money – but it isn’t always true that you save money that way – especially if the hotel near the venue only costs 60-80 bucks and you have to take all sorts of public transportation lugging luggage…… something to consider – BUT, if I hadn’t made some of the weird choices I made, I wouldn’t have been in a position to get to know some very wonderful people! Sincere music lovers, sincere seekers who are also interested in helping others to find their own way home (love that liberty).

Water at the shows:

Because all deadheads might be terrorists we’re not to be trusted with the tops to the bottles – could be a weapon, you know, so the various cities had various ways of handling the sale of their $3.00 waters – D.C. was even $3.75!!

Open bottle – bam! It’s down and spilled – no place to put them – floor not level….

Cup with top and straw – OK, but not easy to hold and falls over easily

Cup with no top – ah, come on! That’s the worst unless you have cup holders at your seat… and even then – too flimsy…

Finally! Oakland – bottles with tops! Wow, is it good to be home! Gratitude overflowing as we feel the welcome familiarity of the pre-show line.

Fun to see that a few people here and there remember the MIKEL newsletter which got me started on this whole crazy deadhead thing…. But that’s another story….

Tour is COMPLETELY all consuming - I have been traveling or dancing for over three weeks! Not much food, not much sleep but the music was fantastic. And the music never stops.

Roanoke:
First stop. Scariest in a way since I am meeting total strangers for a place to stay and a ride to Washington, DC. Got a safe vibe from the guy on the phone and he, cautious too, thinks I am ok and arranges for another friend to pick me up. Southern hospitality starts the trip on a sunny, crisp day with mountains all around – fall colors are still brightening the hills but the locals tell me that the fall colors are essentially gone – how bright they must have been… The Patrick Henry is near the venue and inexpensive. New friends make and sell t-shirts for TOO in Roanoke… WONDERFUL show – general admission on the floor – wristbands, plenty of room to dance and such high energy – they start the tour with ST. Stephen!!!! I feel right at home. Robert Hunter isn't given enough mic power to be heard well, but he is still the heart & soul of this group.

Washington:
Tough ride to DC but we got there in time for the show and got in with all our gear… tapers and skeletons are not happy if they aren’t early to the show. Met some DNCers in the bathroom while getting in makeup and met some more in the hallways – great show with a double encore of Cosmic Charlie and, appropriately, US blues…. Here’s where I made my biggest mistake – in not having made definite plans for a place to stay in Washington – somehow I convinced myself that I would have no trouble finding people after the show but, poof, they vanished and I had no backup plan – a few people expressed concern and had I understood how alone I would be in a little while, I would have made other choices. Next time, just stay at the Red Roof Inn. But I chose to look for the DNCer that had said he could help and I did find him eventually and everything worked out wonderfully – he was very kind, we took public transport to where he lives and he got me a ride to Albany with some very nice guys who could speak the deadspeak nonstop and beautifully about all the shows they had seen, best versions of this and that and we listened to the show from the night before in the car, I think - but it wasn’t of the quality that it got duplicated and so it goes. We make it to Albany as the weather begins to roll in. Nice. Thanks.

Albany:
We’re warm and snuggy in McGeary’s with more DNCers. A very good friend from highschool who lives nearby comes to see me before the show and she sees me change into the costume – we take pictures and have a great short visit. It snows and snows!

TOOR is GRATE!!! I am having a wonderful time - but Tour is NOT for sissies - takes a lot of organization and steady states of mind to get from city to city! So far so good - all the music has been good - the Roanoke and Albany shows the best so far - second set of Washington was EXCELLENT, too - one person said it might have been the best one hour of music he has heard since Jerry..... they played an instrumental Stella Blue last night that was perfect and perfectly appropriate - great choice not to sing it.... LOVE the band reaction to my costume although I can't tell if they love it or hate it or BOTH! Fascinating interaction, though - the idea that I had has been birthed and is doing well on toor -thanks to all of you who helped to bring it to birth! I am GRATEFUL.

The band is very tight and so far for three shows they haven't repeated anything - appropriately started with Cold Rain and Snow in Albany and ended with One More Saturday Night! TOUR is not for sissies! I have kept my wits about me the whole time so far even though I have been in some scary situations… A very nice man who also has the tourbook brought me water! How wonderful… in fact, two people brought me water – how thoughtful! Thank you. The way the Albany Pepsi arena was engineered, the bathrooms are the hardest to get to (details upon request)...

Now, you KNOW you’re in some sort of deadspace when you drive about a half hour and you stop at a reststop and you see the people you totally want to see! Such fun taking pictures and waiting to order food. Great to be able to spend the day off with a best buddy - resting.

DNCers have arranged a ride for me to Boston – two very nice young men, good music and stories take me to the venue EARLY – that’s when the rule about leaving the venue gets established – see above.

Boston:
I think it's great to be able to dance the same way I was before, but in the costume... the skeleton is definitely right and people come up and thank me after the show. This group, with Susan Tedeschi is great and getting greater.... very impressive range and full of surprises.... Dancing in the Streets for first time since 1987 I am told. I am grateful and excited about the continuing tour. I get hugs from audience people and lots of people tell me it looks great.... the seats that I got have me all over the arena and I love all the different perspectives from which to experience the music. Mickey appears to enjoy looking at me while playing and I don't think Bobby liked it at first, but the first Boston night he had a lot going on with Susan Tedeschi coming onboard... the music was a bit harsh,intense really, from my persepctive at midcourt level, 1st level off the floor...

You might want to check out Billy Kreutzman’s art – he has showings in some cities (Oakland Dec 30^th) and shows up to sign posters and talk about his computer-generated art. I fall in the category of fans who use it as an opportunity to meet him, get pictures and he was gracious enough to sign my ticket! I gave him a TOOR sticker (only band member I gave a sticker to and gosh, I coulda given Jimmy and Rob one too but didn’t think of it – but that’s another story in another city). Billy said he enjoyed seeing the skeleton in the crowd - but it was in the context of enjoying "the more lights the better".

Second Boston I am much closer to the stage... It has been difficult but manageable getting from place to place and finding the bathroom, taking off outer layer, putting on makeup, buying water, and getting to my seat. Wonderful show – stronger than last night – full of integrity and getting better. Susan is giving them singing lessons, I bet.

Have to get organized for the next passoff of luggage to move on to New Jersey - wow - quite an experience - each city has its own overarching way of being which I experience in the arenas when I look around. I am thinking about how to put words on what it is I am seeing.

E. Rutherford:
An honest to goodness shakedown street – either the weather or location has kept the scene small and rough… but in NJ the scene is well organized, well mapped out and huge!! Enjoyed shopping a little, got in early and had plenty of time to get ready for the show. Met more nice people in the lot and enjoyed the dancing very much – on the floor this time – What a setlist – King Bee is quite an old song, isn’t it? Susan is singing Pigpen songs, isn’t she? How nice to hear the material re-worked and fresh with this band. I love the newness of it all!! Got a ride to my friend’s house in Connecticut and we shop and do errands on the day off – even bought some Christmas presents. Of course I didn't bring my camera to this show and it was the one to get closeups - sorry!

Hartford:
The skeleton chronicles spin out in mind once in awhile when I am waiting somewhere, but for the most part the tour is all consuming - it takes all the time I have awake to plan the next city and be sure I have rides and places to stay - people have been wonderful to me and I have met some very nice fellow travelers - but I am concerned about the level of alcohol abuse and would venture to say that it is the country's number one problem - even greater than greed and that is certainly right up there.... The music on this tour has been so spectacular to dance with that I am in the best shape I ever can remember being – dispensing wisdom here and there with these energetic and focussed people. The different cities have differing states of mind - as I take my seat and get settled for the shows I notice what's going on and the overall energy level. I haven't put the proper words on it yet, but I'm working on it. Hartford was surprisingly brutal - lots of uncontrolled drinking and territorial issues with people dancing in the aisles and banging into me. But, again, the music is so engaging and I attend to each of the bandmembers - they appear to be interacting with me but nothing has been said to me directly. Is it possible for them to be aware and not aware at the same time? I think so. People have responded completely in the positive about the skeleton and my dancing. We don't know where it's going. But boy is everyone having a good time - musically these musicians are challenging themselves and we're all listening to whatever it is that's listening. This particular music leaves room for participation in a way which is great for this body! I love it. And, the fact that I go into the bathroom at the shows and put on my makeup and talk to people all over the place leaves me integrated, not split into a character that I might begin to 'play.' No, it's not like a character - it's me dancing the way I always have danced to this music and it takes a shape with the costume which forms it into a unity of some sort... the energy, the palpable energy, is all around me and I am lighter and more focused. Then after the shows, I take off the makeup right out in the open and put clothes on top of the costume and leave the show - a fan.

Hartford show was a fantastic setlist played very well – roughest venue for dancing so far being in the front of a section with a thoroughfare in front of us, but we all managed to get along and the music carries us into itself somehow – I sooooo enjoyed drums and space for this show – rippling along with the drums – Billy is a rock – he never stops! And I love Mickey and wish he were curious enough to want to meet me.

Philadelphia:
Two nights of great fun as friends meet at the Kate Smith statue out front – lots of DNCers – one takes a spill in the parking lot and still manages both shows with a purple lip, bruises all over the place and this woman was already having physical problems!! But she didn’t miss the shows! What a trooper and what a great attitude. I get taken home with some other great people and a few other travelers find refuge there as well – such a community – peanut butter toast and music – computer access and my first batch of digital pictures get saved and now I have room for more! The warmth and love which we all feel for one another because we all share this musical experience again and again… the support for one another is comforting and brings a positive outlook. Music in Philly is fantastic – We dance in the streets and get A Hog for You Baby and a GDTRFB (which I personally like a lot – not everybody agrees)…. Can’t wait to re-listen to a lot of the shows, but the second Philly is on top of my wishlist right now!!

Here's a link to the banner that Krispy was so instrumental in getting put up in time for the shows!

I wonder if they have thought of calling themselves Uncle John’s Band…

New York:
Spent part of the day off taking a train in and out of NY to experience it – went to Tobacco Road in NYC to see merlin’s wheel gallery but didn’t stay long – couldn’t wait to return to my new friend in New Jersey, schmooze about the shows, make plans to get to Cleveland and have some girltalk… it’s the relationships that I would have missed had I done the hotel thing… precious new friendships and lots of new show buddies… thanks. NYC show at MSG was difficult to listen to because of ambient noise and talking – I swear that I sat next to two mafia wives who came to the show to talk – I don’t think they listened to one song without talking – using cellphones and taking half of my seat as well…. Very tough gals – skeleton didn’t phase them… tough as nails. They left at the break and didn’t return. RH appeared to enjoy himself this night and sang loud and clear…. This is the night that Derek Trucks and Warren Haynes joined the band for one song – Lovelight….

Cleveland:
Ok, so I had to fly to Cleveland – not many tour people went on to Cleveland – but I made it and made new friends as well. A very nice man from DNC took time off work to pick me up at the airport and he dropped me off at the venue! At the venue early, but I could walk to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. Cold day. But I got to see Jerry’s guitars and if you go there look for my tour sticker on the Winterland bus… next to The Other Ones sticker. I get to drive not one, but two VW buses in one night as my new friend and I make our way to where we have couches to sleep on for the night – a beautiful family takes us in and we get pancakes for breakfast… and we drive off to Pittsburgh. But not before discovering that when the purse strings get caught in the steering wheel, it causes the horn to go off at midnight in a residential neighborhood…. It’s like all the weird things that can happen, happen, and each day is a lesson in humility and gratitude. We got St Stephen again and cross eyed, help, slip, franklinized – ahhhh…. And is this the time that Susan sings Hard to Handle!!?

Pittsburgh:
A DNCer shares her family with three touring deadheads on Thanksgiving… wonderfully kind and genuine people – lots of laughing, lots of good food, sleep and a show! Not only does this DNCer share her family, she also shares her birthday with us and since the boys are playing, we all feel special.. I think this is my favorite show experience of the tour but it’s hard to say since there were so many good experiences but my seat ended up to be in the center on the floor with an aisle right in front of me which gave me a direct sightline to the band with no interference. The aisle was in between the two front sections on the floor and the section I was in overlapped and I had no one in front of me!! Such high energy and focus… Stayed in room 911 at the Ramada Inn….. wow…. Good thing I’m not too superstitious… wouldn’t have mattered if I was… that was our room – first hotel of tour….. split five ways. Nice.

Detroit:
Rough ride to Detroit – bad weather and raw nerves but we got there and got to the show after a nice dinner at the Brewery… met with friends I made through business and got to ride to the show all together in a van – went to the wrong entrance it turns out and put ourselves through unnecessary hardship getting into the show – huge crowd, overzealous security…. Roughest show for me to get into – missed the beginning of Maggie’s Farm and my seat was the farthest away from the stage of all my tickets on tour and the security guy was hassling everyone in our section…. Turns out the person I was going to stay with got sick that night and her step father died the following day – After figuring out the best place to be for my ride the next day, a good fiend took me to another DNCers house for the night and this bighearted person took me in without hesitation… even though two others were already sleeping on the couch and floor…. Very kind soul.

Indianapolis:
So, it was on to Indy with the nice young man who brought me water several cities ago and who ended up alone after his other tour buddies left the tour – so it was perfect that we rode together and stayed together for the last two cities before Oakland…. Very nice dialogues, good reflecting and much processing went on for us as we appreciated the convenience of staying in hotels near the venues!! Wow – what a difference a good night’s sleep and a shower make… not to mention another good SHOW! Finally a Cassidy and we also get a Til the Morning Comes…. Sad incident happens – this new friend, my new traveling buddy, has his wallet stolen! Ughhhh!! After all these cities of possible hardship during so many difficulties, this loss is tough to take, but he takes it very well, with grace and good focus on taking care of business…. In a few hours, things are under control and the loss becomes a lesson and something to see through. My most valuable impact with a fan (as far as I can tell) was during this show – a nice young man talked to me about not smoking anything during the shows – that he was subjected to drug testing and had chosen to stay clean and by the time the setbreak was over, he saw that he had talked to me during the difficult period for him and he smiled and thanked me for talking and danced out the rest of the show. This encounter and many others like it are the gifts. Then, I found out that I wasn’t sitting in my assigned seat even though the usher had taken me there…. Odd, but I might not have talked to that nice man if I were in my seat…Expect the unexpected and be open to providence. Are the shows beginning to run together?

Chicago:
And it was on to Chicago to where I thought I had a hotel room with another friend – in fact I had thought we could all stay together, but the one bedded room was also not even close to the venue and we know now, don’t we, that you stay near the venue if you can, and so we got a room within walking distance to the venue (again! Had done that in Indy, too!)AND that was near the airport for the trip back to California and it was not expensive. So, once again, things got better and better and getting to the show got easier moving toward easiest… not to say that easy is necessarily better –

Now, I had encountered MANY types of fans as we went from city to city, but the cigarette smoking flailer was the most challenging yet – he was dancing at my seat and flailing a cigarette with extreme armreach! I asked him several times to leave my seat, or move over and he ignored me – so in a flash of spontaneity which might have left me punched out, I ripped the cigarette out of his hand, threw it down and told him to get out of my seat now, please.., all the while still dancing, which he did and after the show he came back to give me a hug and introduce himself…. Go figure. Each show has brought some challenge to meet with a sound mind and little help from new friends.

Oakland:
The last night in Oakland was my personal favorite in terms of intimacy with the music, front row center at the Kaiser – not the best vantage point for the band to see the costume, but definitely fun for me to be so close. It was fun to see so many positive reactions to the costume over the past weeks - delighted a lot of people.... One couple that I just happened to be standing next to upstairs at Kaiser stared at me in such delight. The woman said: "I have you on my back!" to which I said: "show me?" and she did! I gave them stickers and it turns out that the man she was with also has a tattoo of a crown of roses on his arm. Moments like that one had kept me in costume night after night. Thank goodness I didn’t stop before meeting them. What fun. Bonded forever and we don’t know each other’s names.

One of the helping heads turned out to be someone I had "met" a few years ago without really meeting - when I went to the new years shows two years ago(2000-2001), I flew into Oakland from visiting my sister, I think, and I had my luggage with me at the Kaiser! I had no place to stay yet and no idea what to do with my suitcase and it was almost showtime.... Don’t ask how I came to be there so unprepared – I was in a strange state of mind as is often the case at the high holidays… Sooo, I see this wild looking hippie with all sorts of laminates hanging around her neck and I ask her if there is somewhere I can stash my stuff until after the show and she says I can put it in the back of her truck which has a camper shell on it and that if I don't mind that she doesn't lock it, she doesn't mind me putting my stuff there. So, I did and I left her something in the truck for her kindness and didn't think I would ever see her again..... AND, it turned out to be the person from DNC who had offered me floor space in Oakland! We didn't know until we saw each other but boy have we gotten a kick of it!! Two weird deadhead women find each other - not knowing our significance to one another until the second time around.... we functioned very well together as tour buddies for a few days – which leads to another tour rule:

IF someone yells to you NOT to lock the vehicle door EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE HOLDING THE KEYS, DO NOT lock it. Stop immediately, if you can. If you can’t - then hope the vehicle is old enough to unlock with a coat hanger. Or you had better have triple A.

Glad to have a little cash at the end of the trip for that hotel room in the last city!! Wonderful spoiled old hippies ordering room service and leaving the hotel when a parade was going down the street and we had to cross through it to get to the truck which was miraculously untowed. What a life. You gotta be grateful. I am.

If someone can read this to Andy: So glad to dance with you in Oakland and thanks for bringing Phil’s dog to the shows…..

And if someone has read this far and still wants to play, can you get a message to Rob Barraco that he and Jimmy both turn out to be as nice in person as they are on stage – they have fun and they are both gracious to their fans – their handler, though, got a little uptight, but I got so ditsy, I don’t blame him. Why I turn into a goofy fan, I don’t know, and after 17 shows of having my picture taken and staying cool and calm about that, in fact, totally natural and easygoing – I appreciated Rob and Jimmy being the same way and wonder at the change in my state of mind…. And that’s part of what this odyssey is all about – reflecting to gain understanding which then causes change. It’s a wonderful world. Let’s keep struggling to see it and thereby keep from going to war – within or without. DNC for world peace. Or as I saw on a bicycle on the Bart – riding for whirled peas…..

So, does the skeleton wear a skirt for new years? Anybody got a name for the dancing skeleton?

Also, I have the names of everyone who gave me rides or places to stay but I don’t think they will all see this journal unless some of you DNCers who know them make it available. Please pass it on to them so they can recognize themselves in my account and let me know if I left out important chunks which can be shared publicly.

"Go out there and do some good with it" says Mickey in Chicago when he says the tour is over and then he says it again in Oakland at the real end of the tour. The IT he is speaking about is a state of mind and although we may all put different words on it when we explain it to our non-deadhead friends, when the band and their fans are co-creating this IT, not many of us have difficulty experiencing what Mickey means – understanding it is something else again – I’ll give it a go here because it’s important to see how something functions. I take the unity which arises when this state of mind (the one Mickey sees that we get from experiencing the music) is directed through contemplation with the music and I let the contemplation play out in my body as the dance. But Mickey says to use it in our so-called daily lives. And use it for good. So far what is happening is this journal, not written in the order you see here but it has taken me awhile to organize the notes and thoughts and it is my goal to post this quickly so that my reflections become shared and I can move into whatever is next, not to mention moving back into what was left when I went on tour! Dancing to 17 shows dressed in a skeleton costume contemplating TOO’s music has been a fine odyssey, but I don’t think we’re home yet. Something is still happening to the band – it is changing and developing and we are getting the benefit of participating in the growth and sharing in the experiences. There are still tales to tell and songs to be sung by some combination of these guys, and I hope to be there. Of course even with lots of help from DNCers, tour cost about $2500. So, even on a shoestring, it costs money and definitely also takes a lot of energy and focus. I am grateful that I could design my life to accommodate this tour. I see something emerging for summer, do I? AH, but first, New years…

Ok, if you're still listening, then you might want more of a sense of my states of mind throughout the toor. Well, they ran the gamut - from fearfilled whining to solid unity - not much beyond. Not that there's anything wrong with unity and getting out of my own way, but there's more and everyone I can think of having been with on tour is probably shaking their head 'yeah' - I haven't talked about a lot of the things that matter - Yes, this community can rally around and help one another when asked - but my experiences tell me that unless you are very good at reading states of mind yourself, you had better understand that you are putting yourself in the arms of uncertainty. By not having reservations to get to every city or hotel reservations in any city, I left myself open to not knowing where I would be sleeping and how I would be getting to the next show. The DNC community rallied for me in ways which most people might not understand - just because I love the same music and appreciate the importance of live performances these people were willing to help me. I don't think it was because of the skeleton - in fact, the idea that a fan would be dressing in costume for every show might be a bit of a deterent to some people, but I gotta tell you - I am one lucky set of bones and it's because of the DNC group that I got to shake those bones at 17 shows…. Dancing for peace, contemplating the music and releasing as much love and healing through the dance as I can…. Dancing for the entire shows and coming away with more energy than I started with…. Being a great designated driver after the shows….. in some ways I can see that I provided things for others that they might not have had otherwise and I helped with their expenses, but there were also times I was very sorry not to be able to, say, go out and buy groceries and cook breakfast….. it would have been my pleasure but usually time and resources prevented it and I was reminded not to fall into the same pattern 'out there' as I do in my world here and that has to do with always being the one to volunteer to do things like go shopping and cook breakfast…. But there sure will be some great breakfasts in California if the tour brings our music to Orange County!! The shows always left me in a great, open state of mind - even the rather weak first Oakland show…. There is something about this music that allows for a level of participation - a way to get in between the cracks, a way to experience the music as it is being played and a way to experience the music of each musician and sometimes all of them together in a unity which is greater than the sum of it parts… very compelling to participate and thrilling when I get out of my own way….. The drums are so solid and continuous that I can always depend on them and the freedom to move uninhibitedly comes from not only the support of the community but also from the music itself which rocks my soul without shattering it….. very interesting, very exciting.

Oh, and PLEASE - as Phil would say and did say at each show … If you are not already an organ donor, become one and "tell your family of your irrevocable desire to be an organ donor." Donate any useable parts in the event of your death…."Save the life of someone you may never meet…."

AND, Robert Hunter belted out what might be considered to be a prayer at the end of most of his performances asking for whatever it is that is watching to "deliver our kind." With divinity to guide us, we will and are delivering ourselves….. it requires our participation and to the degree that we are able to participate, to that degree we will engage and move through the divine. Congratulations to everyone who had a role in these performances - I haven't talked about the lighting, but it was extraordinary and Candace Brightman deserves great praise. When they saw the skeleton in a place that could be lighted, I think they tried to help by flooding me with light so that when the lights went off, the flourescent paint on my bones would glow….. great fun….. will we do it again??? Don't know.

December 29-31, 2002

I left out the picture of the BART guy because it gives everyone a big "huh?" – a relatively nondescript picture of a Bart station in Oakland, CA… but sometimes what isn’t here is worth noting! The BART guy left his cage and came with me to the machine that had my twenty dollar bill – See, when I had put the bill into the machine that had a sign "accepts 1, 5, 10, 20," another very friendly person that I had met in the hotel shuttle said to me, "I’ll wait here by your machine for one minute – go get the guy to help you" and he pointed to the office area. Not only did the BART guy help me get my $20 back and then show me how to get my ticket, he laughed and said the BART was a hostile system and there was no sign indicating that only two of the machines would give change. He said they tried to eliminate his job, which would have left many of us in trouble everyday! Some woman fell and he got his job back. He was glad to help.

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